Dreadgoddess

Once upon a time…

(this was multiple facebook posts I out on my husbands wall, liked it enough to share here too:)

Once upon a time I was so hurt by love that I didn’t believe in it anymore, even though I desperately wanted to. Then I met a man unlike any other I had ever known…

He was tall, dark, and handsome. He loved children and was enthralled by my uniqueness. He stalled, and waited, trying to find an opening to talk with me. And he did. With strange circumstances he asked me out for coffee, and with distrust but curiosity I accepted but took my own car:)…

After having been hurt so much by believing in the good of people, I decided to take this date on a different path. No chit chat wanted, I asked what the worst things about him were, and proceeded to tell him the worst things about me as well. Leave now, before I open my heart. But he didn’t leave. We stayed in that coffee shop for 5 hours, sharing the best and worst about ourselves, and falling in love while we did.

Finally, we had to leave the coffee shop, he had to go to work, and I had to go back home. But as we left, I felt like I was pulling myself away. A force was pushing me toward him and I wanted to allow myself to fall in. Regretfully, I got in my car and drove away. He called later that night.

We talked many times, but in the distance my distrust started to fill in the spaces again. I started putting my walls back up, placing barricades in between him and me. Thinking that he, like most men, would give up on someone as damaged as me. But he didn’t.

He stayed by me, kept coming to see me, never pressured me, waited for me to slowly build trust. Often telling me, ‘Take all the time you need, I am not going anywhere’. And test after test, he passed, he stayed, he continued to love me, even when I tried to show him why he shouldn’t.

One day, I was watching him play with my girls. He was paying no attention to me, but was having tea with little princess’s, lifting his little pinky up to be proper. And I felt my walls drop, crumble, and shatter.

He finally looked up at me. He always has had a strange ability to know my emotions with a single breath, I could never really hide from him. He took one look into my eyes, saw my fear, excused himself from the party and wrapped me in his arms, the only place I have ever felt safe. Whispering into my ear, “you don’t need to fear me.”

That night was hard. I was falling in love, I was already in love, and I didn’t know what to do, how to make it go away. I didn’t know how to protect myself. He brought over his ipod for me to listen to some songs, and while he caressed me that night, he made me listen to songs that expressed his feelings more then anything ever could. That night, while I pretended to sleep, he told me he loved me.

In my made-up slumber, I could safely feel what this love was like, how it was different, how with his arms wrapped around me, I was safe, how I was known like no one else, even beloved witches had never known melike he did. In my non-sleeping rest, I could admit, silently, that I loved him too.

Things came up, things that had been planned for awhile now, and I had to leave for 7 days. 7 days of which I would be with others, others I had loved and still loved from my past. I told him the truth, that I would probably come back no longer as deeply interested as I was now. I wanted to be honest, I wanted him to know I was a risk. I believed what I was saying. I was wrong.

That whole week, with no phone, no computer, surrounded by the deep love of others, I felt incomplete. I missed him, I had made a space for him in my heart and with him gone, I felt empty. I shared with one of my closest friends something I hadn’t told anyone yet, even admitted out loud to myself. “I am in love with this man…”

I waited, patiently, supportively, for this time to end, not really remembering anything of that week, except the thoughts that spiralled around HIM. I was so happy when circle closed, cars and hugs were packed and given, and I was on my way back home. But I didn’t go home. I found myself driving to his place, a place I had only seen the door of once as we drove by on an earlier date. This woman, who can’t even follow her GPS, found her way to his door, unshowered, magically high, covered in glitter, knocking.

When he opened that door and saw me, his eyes grew wide, and the most beautiful smile I had ever seen broke onto his face. I threw myself into his arms, kissing him with more love then I had ever felt, overwhelmed by it, engulfed by it, and when that kiss ended I told him I loved him. Only him. Forever him.

We have had our good times, and our bad times, I am no easy walk in the park! But he has stayed true to his promise. He is still here, he still makes me feel safe with just a simple hug, he still has that smile that only I get to see. We are still madly in love. And I hope everyone else who has been hurt, broken, by the carelessness of lovers can take this story and see, there is REAL love out there, waiting. And it will find you, behind all your walls, all your barricades. And when it does, you will be defenseless to it. Just like I was.

May the beauty we love, be what we do…

Happy valentines day.

Dreadgoddess