7/11 friend
I am not a convenience store friend. I am not your 7/11 for love and support. Do not come to me, take what you need, and then turn your back because you are done with your heart’s order.
I am not a friend of obligation, or convenience, or guilt. I am not a friend you can have and then throw away once something better has come along.
I am a true friend. I will love you, support you, hold you, be your shoulder to cry on. I will open my home to you, feed you, get you and take you out. I will do magic with you and for you, I will share with you, listen to you, and make you laugh.
I will be there for you whenever you have need of a true friend.
I have been struggling with feelings of not being good enough for others. I have had my parents disown me, friends I had loved cut me from their life and blame all their own flaws and inability to grow and mature on me. I have been called names, insulted, and bashed in back rooms.
But I have been kind, and loving, and honest, and careful with my words. I have stayed true to myself while making room in my life and magic for others that may not feel the same.
I have faced hatred with love and been called passive aggressive for it. I have faced insult with clear eyes, introspection, and honest feedback, and been banned for it.
Sometimes when people say they love you, and they lean on you, what they are really doing is stealing from you.
They are stealing trust that you give without thought, they are stealing love that you hand out like honey, waiting joyously for people to taste. They steal all the good things you have to offer and make it harder for others to come along in their wake and have the same joys.
I am tired of being used, of being blamed, of taking the brunt of others unable to face their own reflection, and taking the hatred of their own shadows. I have had enough.
I am working with Thor. I had no idea why I was pushed to work with this god, I have never worked with a god before, but now I understand. His hammer is there to smash through the lies people tell themselves just to make themselves feel better. His strength is their hold me up while I take all the shit that people I trusted, that I loved, feel they have the right to pile onto my spirit.
No more.
I have always been an open lover, a believer in the goodness of all people until they prove me wrong. Well, they have finally proven they are wrong. They are wrong for me. They are wrong for my life. They are wrong in my circle.
This store is closing. Its shelves empty, no more stock in the back room. I have been wiped out, vandalized, and there is nothing left for me to do but close shop and declare bankruptcy.
I apologize to friends that I do have. That are trying to be what the definition of a friend really is. I apologize to them because how can you continue trusting when friends and family that you have had for years, that you have always given everything in your heart to, suddenly turn and look, not with love, but with blame and hatred. I am left holding my heart, now stamped unworthy, wondering, ‘what did I do?’.
My life like a movie, a book turning back the pages looking for the thing I said, the action I made, that soured, poisoned everything I thought was sweet.
And I can’t find it. I can’t see where I went wrong.
But that is my cancer. My sickness, always trying to bear the blame. That is not Thor’s
He flips though the pages of my life and said ‘NO’. This is not me, this is not my fault, this is not something I have done. This is them. Stand up straight. Put your armor on, grip my hammer.
I am worthy, and I am a true friend. Good riddance to all those that have never grown up, that still feel they can push people around, good riddance to those that can’t see the magic and love that shines from my spirit. Good riddance.
I am stronger through this, but in that strength is also a wall built of pain and distrust.
Good luck to new friends, good luck to friends I still have. I will try to let my love shine through these bricks built around my heart. But you are going to have to work to find the door in, it will no longer just be open.
Dreadgoddess
